blessings

I try not to think about it. It is easier that way. I don't get sad, angry, or anxious that way. But sometimes I do think about it. I can't help it. I hate that I'm not with my kids all day. I hate that I have to pump instead of feeding Cora in the morning. I hate that I don't know what Jude eats for lunch, or if he eats well, or if he went on the potty chair, or if he listened, or what was done about it. I hate that I don't see my kids awake on most days until close to 2pm, and then they are grumpy and need naps. And then I am grumpy if they won't take naps because as much as I want to see them and spend time with them I also have a million other things I feel like I should get done when I get home. So instead of spending time with me they usually spend time "alone". I hate that as much as I want to be with my kids all day they still drive me crazy and I lose my patience too often. I hate that I don't know what to do to when Jude won't help pick up or when Cora is refusing to sleep. I hate that I get overwhelmed when the house is a disaster area and all I can think about is how I want it to get picked up and put the kids to bed and have peace. I hate that i haven't had a full nights sleep in over six months. I hate that ministry and teaching doesn't pay like doctors or lawyers or bankers or fill in the blank. I hate that Gil and I both have advanced degrees and still can barely scrape by.

In the spirit of the season I also have to be thankful. I am so thankful for so many things. I am thankful that we have a daycare to bring out children to and that they enjoy going. I am thankful that Jude gets to play with other kids. I am thankful that we have jobs (that we enjoy even if they pay terrible!) and a home and food and health (I have always thought being thankful for health was a little silly. It has just hit me recently how real that blessing is!). I am thankful that my husband gets the kids ready and brings them to daycare each morning (he does this way better than me!), and that he arranges his schedule to be able to spend time with them and me. I am thankful that we have family and both our parents nearby and that they help us out in innumerable ways. I am thankful for my savior.

I have a lot of internal conflict...but I will try to count my blessings:)